Sunday, September 1, 2013

How To Be Classy and Aloof Without Getting Kicked Out of Public Places: A Guide

Many of the thousands of my adoring fans often ask me how I manage to be so suave, so classy, and so spiffing. They plead with me to tell them how I manage to have such a marvelous air of je ne sais quoi about me, wherever I go. And so, this guide is for you: How To Be More Classy and Enigmatic: A List, By Maddie. 

(Note: the following guide may also be helpful if you wish to enhance your steampunk personality). 

(Another note: if you do not know what steampunk is, firstly, I feel sorry for you, and secondly, nothing is stopping you from going and looking it up).

(Yet another note: in this post, I'm kidding a lot of the time. Please don't arrest me or actually adopt a pet raven).

1. Stop using predictable colloquialisms. When Humphrey Bogart bade farewell to Ingrid Bergman in The Maltese Falcon, did she get into that plane, look down at him for the last time, and say 'YOLO'? No, she did not, and you shouldn't, either. When you text, use full sentences and proper punctuation. No abbreviations. In your spare time, work to improve your vocabulary. Read the dictionary for fun, and make sure that people walk in on you while you do so. Use words like "milieu," "idiosyncratic," and "dirigible" in everyday conversation as much as you can. Learn to enunciate properly. Proper usage of the word 'whom' is a must. And remember, as somebody clever once said on the internet: never underestimate the flirtatious power of a decent vocabulary.


2. Adopt a signature item of clothing. What do Indiana Jones, BBC's Sherlock Holmes, Captain Jack Sparrow and the Tenth Doctor all have in common? They each have a signature item of clothing, of course. A signature item of clothing, be it a hat, a blue scarf, or a trench coat, does not only serve a functional and stylistic role; it gives a person a sort of marker, to identify them from the vastly less interesting members of the human race. While the rest of your personality, motivations and mannerisms may be shrouded in mystery, unpredictability and the exploits derived from your fascinating mind, that signature clothing item gives your followers something predictable and understandable about you. Because people can pin point and understand the fact that Sherlock Holmes wears a blue scarf, the rest of him becomes all the more enigmatic by comparison. Don't chose something loud; I favor a pocket watch, and (when the weather is permissible) a leather trench coat. Subtlety is key here. Unless you are the 11th Doctor (and I imagine that this is a relatively small portion of my readership). In which case, fezzes, bow ties and stetsons are allowed, because you are a lovely man.


3. Read books. I cannot stress enough the importance of this rule. If one is to become truly mysterious and classy, one must be well-read. Read up on the latest news and scientific theories, to be sure, but do not neglect the classics. Make occasional intelligent and obscure literary references in regular conversation, especially if you know that no one in the room will understand them. Develop an opinion about the Oxford comma.

4. Acquire a sidekick or companion. As Sherlock Holmes once said to John Watson, "That's the frailty of genius, John. It needs an audience." You must have a companion who simultaneously understands why you are so misunderstood and who makes you look smarter than they are. It is also helpful to find one who cooks, because, as we geniuses know, one can become so involved in research or experiments that it becomes difficult to remember to eat regularly.

5. Move into a dark mansion with a study and a library. What is more satisfying then saying dramatically "I'll be in the study," slamming a pair of heavy wooden doors, and sinking into a leather chair behind a desk in a room walled by book shelves to have a good, old-fashioned, solitary brooding session? Oak furnishings, candles, quill pens, leather-bound books, bronze or iron accents, obscure objects from around the world, large and impressive oil portraits of historical people and oriental rugs are a must. 

6. Develop a side interest. These days, every decent genius has a side interest, it seems. One must have something to do whilst unwinding from a long day of scheming, experimenting, or adventuring. Do not chose the violin, as that has been done before. Beekeeping, composing, breeding goldfish, taxidermy, gardening, creating different blends of tea, collecting antique maps and horseback riding are all suitable options. Remember: your side interest cannot be too closely related to your main work, be that research, armchair adventuring, airship captaining, exploring distant regions, political scheming, etc. I repeat: a small touch that humanizes you can make the rest of you seem all the more mysterious by comparison.

7. Have excellent hair. The Tenth Doctor. Princess Leia. Albus Dumbledore. Need I say more?

8. Learn to read people. Though some of you may accuse me by now of being far too obsessed with Sherlock Holmes, I must stress that the ability to read people is invaluable and should not be viewed exclusively in the narrow light of the Holmes universe. It is not only a survival skill, but it helps one get a better grasp of social situations-- and being reasonably socially adept is essential if one wishes to be classy. The best way to learn these skills? Sit on a park bench and watch people for a day. Write down observations in a notebook. You'll learn more than any psychologist or Conan Doyle novel could tell you. A note: do not walk up to people, introduce yourself, and begin to deduce them out loud. This only serves to create social tension, resentment and awkwardness. And that, as I'm sure you've picked up by now, is not behavior exhibited by the truly classy. Also, if you behave in an off-putting manner, this will not only create the uncomfortable environment I have just mentioned, but it will rob you of further opportunity to learn about that person.

9. Things to do: Be somewhat solitary without being a recluse. Learn your manners. Use sarcasm and deadpan humor discreetly and infrequently, but to great effect. Drink lots of tea. Wear sunglasses. Keep a journal, and perhaps call it a 'log.' Don't call your front yard a 'lawn' or a 'yard.' Call it 'the grounds.' Learn another language. Get a raven or a tame wolf. Invest in a decent set of candelabras.

10. Things to avoid: Don't speak in an accent unless you can definitely pull it off. Act mysteriously and intriguingly aloof, but not rude or off-putting. Whatever you do, DON'T adopt a tagline. 

I hope this guide helps you to achieve your mysterious and misunderstood dreams.

DFTBA,
~Maddie

2 comments:

  1. Indiana Jones AND Sherlock Holmes references? I approve entirely. :D Love your blog, by the way!

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    Replies
    1. Why thank you :) And I am glad we see eye-to-eye on the appropriate-ness of Sherlock Holmes and Indiana Jones.

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